Talking sobriety and club culture with Eline Van Audenaerde

Interview by Conner Tighe

In a January 2021 study performed by electronic artist and life coach Eline Van Audenaerde, 62.6% of electronic artists admit they abuse alcohol. She said in a previous statement that previous research showed that electronic artists are at an increased risk for alcohol and drug abuse. Audenaerde did not further investigate the reasoning behind this, but there’s one commonality, club culture.

Audenaerde is tackling sobriety one person at a time. Through her journey which she’s published on her website, The Unicorn Mothership, she explains how she herself has tackled sobriety and how you can too. Audenaerde has been sober for approximately one year and agreed to share her journey as well as what she thinks is so gravitating about the nightlife. 

Ease Up: Can you give me some background on yourself — how do you tie into this topic?

Eline Van Audenaerde: The broader story would be that I started my company, “The Unicorn Mothership,” because of a lack of mental health support for DJs and electronic producers. That was the culture I was active in. I worked in artist management and handling, and I was doing lots of music industry-related work. 

I also have a big network in the music industry, specifically in nightlife and club culture, so I did have a habit of traveling around with my friends and clients to different clubs across Europe and joining them as they were booked for DJ gigs. I could see the toll of this culture, this pressure, this way of life in nightlife, and this industry. I’m sure this applies to the whole music industry. I saw how substance abuse was detrimental to wellness, mental wellbeing, and mental health. At the time, I was struggling with my mental health and coming out of many issues that, in hindsight, I needed to understand the pain of not getting the support that you need in the moments that you need it. I was going through life coaching training. In that training, I put two and two together, and I realized I wanted to become a coach for music producers because I could see such a huge lack, and that’s why I started my company in 2015. 

The research piece came last year when I was approached by the University of Brussels and the University of Amsterdam because they had a student that wanted to write a dissertation on the mental health of electronic artists. They weren’t sure how to approach it, so they approached me to help them with the interesting things to research because we researched a lot of things. 

The survey was humongous; I think it was a bit of a drag for people to fill out. We wanted to have a wide range of numbers to look at, and there’s a lot of things to consider like lack of sleep, alcohol, drugs, substances, pressure, irregular work times, and no vacation time. There’s so much to cover, and it’s such an unregulated industry. The numbers were pretty interesting because when looking at substance use and abuse, 62.4% of people said they fall in the category of abusing alcohol. Also, 55.4% of the people who participated in the survey said they were using alcohol and other drugs as coping mechanisms. 

That is something that I know very well because I have done that. I have seen substance abuse so many times, which is a huge problem. There are other ways of coping with your emotions, whether celebrating a win in your career, your life, or dealing with anxiety, stress, or trying to relax. That was very surprising in the research that we did, and at the same time, it wasn’t because I have seen this all the time. But on the one hand, it can be really difficult for someone to get mental health support, access to a psychologist, and I know, especially in the United Kingdom, that’s an issue. It’s really expensive, there are long waitlists, and what you do is you end up going to your general practitioner, and they will prescribe some medication, and that’s it. 

Many people that I’ve talked to are actually from the United States. It’s so easy for everyone to normalize medicating your feelings, thoughts, emotions, issues, or whatever it is. That’s something we could talk for hours about, but I’m looking more at human beings in the music industry who are using these substances for various reasons, whether it’s to have fun, loosen up, to cope with performance anxiety, or celebrate. But when you start questioning your relationship with substances, asking why you’re giving it such a huge place in your life,  and why it’s so normalized while it’s unhealthy for you. It’s causing you to feel more anxious in the long run, or more tired. It’s this vicious cycle that you’re in. You’re tired, you take something to wake up, and then you’re more tired at the end of the day because it’s counterproductive to use these substances. 

That’s why I’ve started to think about my sobriety and eventually decided to quit. I’m constantly coaching my clients on this, having conversations about this, and questioning my behavior in that regard. It was only up until this month or last month when I launched my sobriety challenge that I felt confident in doing this. Before that, I was trying to find my feet, but I wanted to create a community for people to do this because there’s a lot of stigma. 

When you’re not doing drugs, you can get criticized, left out, laughed at, and people think you’re not cool. Some people get pats on the back for being overly drunk or high, so all of that is part of the culture. I want to show people a different way and how I stopped doing alcohol and drugs. It was mostly cocaine or MDMA, even though that wasn’t my thing because I’d want to nap at parties. It wasn’t convenient when you’re in a club, and you want to take a nap for 20 minutes. I was starting to question why I was doing this. 

I was really lucky to have a few people in my community who helped me through my first steps into sobriety. I didn’t know where to turn. I was looking up alcoholics anonymous online. It was difficult to find the support that I wanted, and this was how everything came together for me. I want to provide something more structured for people to try out themselves and guide them through, question and accept where they are. I want to have open conversations around people’s relationships with substances. What are you getting from substances, where did it start, why did you decide to do all of these things, what are you afraid you’ll lose if you stop?

I’m still going out whenever it’s possible, going to bars with my friends, but just not drinking. I’m still having a good time doing all the things I used to do that involved alcohol. I’m much more aware, energized, motivated, and I look better. I discovered a lot of sides to me that were hidden because I was numbing them with substances. I think a part of me was also afraid to stop doing those substances because I knew those parts of me would come out. I didn’t know if I was ready to face that because it would be uncomfortable, but it’s been wonderful. 

I’ve been sober curious for a year and a half to two years before I managed to do it. I was all alone in my environment doing it, so I had to go out and look for support from people in my culture, and luckily I found a few people. Some of my friends didn’t like my decision; they questioned that choice. I think one friend I didn’t see for three or four months because she didn’t like the decision. My fiance had some issues with it, and he tried to stop to keep up with me, but he couldn’t. He felt like he was failing, and then there was this whole conversation around it. 

My friends have known me to be drinking since I was 14, and suddenly I show up at dinner, and I don’t want alcohol. These things were pretty hard to go through, but I stood my ground. It’s been wonderful but hard too to stay sober. Stopping was super easy but staying sober is difficult. I’m curious to see what my second year of sobriety brings, but there’s still so much to discover. I was excited to take people on that journey but in a gentle way. 

EU: Do you think club culture has a bigger issue since substance abuse is normalized?

EVA: From the research side of things, I know there is because there’s been other research on it. In our research, we referred to a study done in 2018. From the personal side of things, I talked about that with one of my coaches, and he said it’s like going through your own “shadow side work” when you stopped alcohol, but in the process, you discovered the “shadow side” of club culture in that regard too. You started to think about it more.

I know some of my clients who would get pats on the back for holding their liquor and doing a DJ set. I know people in my environment who think it’s cool to be awake 48 hours and be recuperated by Tuesday because that’s when we start. When Thursday rolls around, it starts all over again. I see this so many times. I’ve had people laugh at me when I shared my sobriety challenge. It’s become so normalized that, for example, “spiking” has become such a huge issue in Europe in the past months. I’ve had that happen to me a couple of years ago in London. The issue there is that it’s always the victim’s fault. 

It’s peer pressure, it’s not cool if you’re not drinking, and it’s cool if you’re able to hold your liquor. I was that kind of person and could drink a lot and still think on my feet. I don’t know how I managed to do that. I only had to crawl back home on one occasion, and I thought it was funny. I think it’s fun to explore, and if that’s something you want to do, I’m not going to judge. I want people to think about why they’re giving it a huge space in their lives. Why not explore other ways of having fun? Even if you’re into mind-altering things, why not try plant medicine, for example. Why does it always have to be hard drugs? 

EU: Was there a moment when you “woke up” and decided to change?

EVA: The first time it happened was when I started to get more coaching clients in my business. I stopped doing drugs on the weekends, where I knew I would have a lot of clients in the week because I wanted to show off to them fully with my present full awareness. That meant I wasn’t drinking coffee, cutting back on sugar, and going all-in on that. I started feeling the benefits of that, so that was phase one.

Last year, on the 21st of July, I was riding home on my bicycle from a binge. I was drinking with my fiance and some friends and left them at the club. I felt so bad that I filmed myself while I was cycling home, and I told myself on the video that this was my reminder that I would look at this tomorrow and hate this. This is my reminder that every time I want to go on an adventure, I’m going to watch this video. I still have that video, and I remind myself every weekend that if my sobriety gets tough, watch the video. 

I also took photos and shared one of them on my social media. I didn’t want to, I didn’t feel comfortable doing that, but it’s not cute. I don’t know why I thought I looked cute that way. It took me another six months to quit, but I cut back a lot in those six months. I stopped on Jan. 1.  

EU: What has your experience been like staying sober?

EVA: There’s been a lot of firsts, like going to a bar without drinking. You become painfully aware of how different everything is since everyone else is drinking and you’re not. But it’s fun to have that experience where you’re fully aware of everything where you can think clearly and follow along. You’re not in a daze or foggy in the head. The first time going to a funeral and not drinking was eye-opening. I used to grab that glass of wine and numb the sadness or the anxiety I was feeling, so now feeling all of those feelings and allowing myself to was a first for me. The first time celebrating my birthday without alcohol was crazy. 

I allowed myself to go all-out on my birthday. I rented this luxurious hotel room, had the best dinner ever with my fiance, and spent a lot of money, but it was from all the money I’d been saving from not drinking. That was cool to allow myself to splurge on something I’ve always wanted to do but never did because I wasn’t prioritizing it. I was spending my other resources like my time and energy on alcohol. 

People tend to want to explain their substance use to you or overexplain when I’m not asking. They feel deep down like there’s something off with their relationship with substances. If I tell people that I quit cocaine, they understand, but if I tell people I quit alcohol, they don’t get it. They’re both a hard drug, so why should I make the distinction? It’s because alcohol is socially accepted. But it doesn’t make it any different; it’s still a hard drug. I love having conversations about that with other people because many people don’t realize it. It’s crazy that there’s still so much lack of awareness with the resources we have to get all the information. 

EU: When you’re having these conversations with clients, do you notice patterns or common phrases people will talk about?

EVA: I find that many things they’re saying are things I have said or thought. I remember a conversation I had with somebody who remembered me not having issues with alcohol. It’s one thing to drink, and it’s another thing to call it an addiction. There’s a fine line, and using alcohol is something you choose, but you don’t choose addiction. It creeps up on you. 

An addiction doesn’t look like somebody sitting on their couch all day downing a bottle of whiskey and however many other bottles of alcohol. It can be present in so many different ways. Many people will say they don’t have issues with alcohol until you take it away. People tend to feel very defensive when you open up that conversation. I know I was like that too. But I chose to have that conversation with myself over and over until I got comfortable with everything that was uncomfortable about it. People don’t think about how dependent their body has become. 

EU: When you created your website, what was your initial goal?

EVA: That’s a good question. It involves alcohol. Interestingly enough, one of my first calls to action was along the lines of “Do you need a drink to calm your nerves to do a DJ gig or live performance?” That was one of the questions I had on my website. It was one of the things I was working on.

Other things were more around helping people deal with procrastination and perfectionism. I always like to say procrastination is pressure to be perfect. Usually, people come to me because they are avoiding something. Usually, pressure and perfectionism are not far away. 

Also, work-life balance was another of the first things that I helped my clients with because that’s also an issue. For example, a DJ that’s touring and has a family at home struggles to land when he comes back home. He was away on tour, and everybody was tending to his needs, and when he comes home, and suddenly he has responsibility, and people need something from him. It’s sometimes very difficult to come back to earth for them and step back into their lives. Also, a word called “post-performance depression” it’s very common. It feels like all of the adrenaline you had during your performance is dropping and depleting. It’s a very complex experience. It’s something many people in this industry struggle with. 

EU: I know in your research, you didn’t further investigate if there was a correlation between substance abuse and mental health. Do you believe there may be some connection between the two?

EVA: I would have to look back at the things I’ve been sharing on my website. But I know that there has been other research that has looked into that. Help Musicians UK’s pilot survey from 2016, probably includes that. And their follow-up survey from 2017, I think, looks at that. And I think a survey from 2018 has looked at that too. I would have to pull up those numbers because I’m not 100% sure. 

Let’s say you’re someone that tends to be socially anxious, and you like to drink because it loosens you up. With alcohol, you’ll feel like you’re dropping your inhibitions and become more sociable. But then the alcohol wears off, and your body has to break that down, and it takes a lot of work for your body to do that. You’re tired, and your vibe is low, so the anxiety is easily going to come back probably tenfold or at least double. There is a great chance you may feel guilty about the things you’ve done the day before, so that’s not going to help your anxiety either. I know that was a huge issue for me. Anxiety and alcohol were not the best of friends. I had higher levels of anxiety when I was still drinking. I’ve seen a significant drop in anxiety since I’ve not been drinking. What you’re doing is fake. It’s not liquid courage, liquid happiness; it’s you thinking it is. But at the end of the day, your emotions are still there. Your issues are still there. You’re making them worse by adding on poison on top of it. It becomes this never-ending cycle of trying to get out of the anxiety. You’re not moving through the emotions, you’re numbing them down. We all know what happens with repressed emotions. It has to come out at some point. 

I worked with a DJ that’s on the spectrum of autism and she had issues with understanding social issues. When she drank, it made it less difficult with all of the things going on in her head. But because of that, she would end up in unsafe situations. She would meet people that didn’t have her best interests at heart. The alcohol didn’t help because it loosens you up even more and you become less capable of using your cognitive skills to assess whether a situation is good for you. I believe she’s sober now. 

EU: What do you hope people take away from you when you share your experiences?

EVA: It takes courage to take the step to sobriety. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t get it right the first time. You need to remember that you have your own timeline, your own journey. Getting support to get through that journey can help you make quantum leaps. But at the end of the day, if you relapse or it’s not working out for you, it’s okay. It’s all about raising awareness around your relationship with substances. You’re a powerful human being, you’re smart, you make your own decisions, you know what’s good for you and what’s not. We’re all here for the human experience. Nothing has to be “fixed” about you.