I Was/I Am: A Reflection on Growth with Noah Kahan
By: Sydney Hise
Noah Kahan is no stranger to change. After a successful first single, a gold-certified hit with Julia Michaels, and a critically-acclaimed debut album, I Was/I Am touches on the struggles of living life with mental illness, heartache, joy, and the pressure to be the best. Read below his interview with Ease Up's Sydney Hise.
Ease Up: First off, how’re you doing?
Noah Kahan: I’m doing pretty well. I’m in Brooklyn here, and I’ve got a busy week - which is tough, because I don’t really do anything usually, so this is a big shock to me. Just getting ready for the week. You know, I have my album coming out this week, which is pretty cool. I have a party I’m having on Saturday. All of these different people are coming in from different places, and all of these personalities are clashing. So I’m trying to balance all of that right now, it’s a little stressful, I’m a little stressed.
EU: How has the pandemic changed how you’ve released this album as compared to your past works?
NK: Um, I don’t know, it’s hard to say. I’ve released one other album, I think it’s cool that I’m able to release it as a whole album, you know, a lot of times, people will just release ten singles and it ends up being like an album put together. It’s cool that I’m able to release this album as a full album, with a couple singles. It was cool to record it during the pandemic - I recorded it in L.A. with a producer named Mark Rankin, and also Joel Little, who was in New Zealand on like, a Zoom video, so it was cool to do it that way. It was a very 2020 collaboration, that was cool, for sure. The pandemic definitely shaped the creation of the record.
EU: Would you say that location and that style impacted how the album turned out?
NK: It’s all over Zoom audio, so it sounds terrible (laughs). I guess we’ll see - Joel Little is such a talented producer that he’s able to make you feel like you’re in the room with him, but there is something to be said about being in the room with somebody and being able to feel the energy. There was occasionally a disconnect, because he’d be in New Zealand and we’re here. I feel like we did a good job of making ourselves feel comfortable and engaged with each other, even though we were so far away. I hope it didn’t impact it negatively, but I think it’s gonna be great either way.
EU: Talk a little bit about your collaboration with Joy Oladokun, how did that come together and what was your favorite part of that?
NK: Yeah, Joy is incredible, I’ve been a fan of hers for a few years. I wrote the song initially on Zoom with a writer in Nashville, and it’s a really cool soulful song that presented itself as a duet. It just felt like it was a good spot for someone else to come on, and Joy has an amazing, beautiful, soulful voice and a really interesting perspective. I was really grateful that she was willing to jump on the song and sing it. I think my favorite part about the collab was shooting the video with her, it was really fun. She’s such a cool person, and it was such a fun hang. We were up super late in this shitty diner in Nashville - not shitty, sorry owners of the diner - older diner in Nashville and it was just fun. We were both at that point where we were exhausted and just wanted to go home, but we had to grind through it. We kept the vibes up, we kept each other engaged, we didn’t get down, we didn’t start getting like diva. It was awesome, she was a great hang, and I think she made the song a million times better.
EU: I’ve been a fan of yours since Young Blood (Noah’s first single), so watching you grow has been awesome, just had to throw that in there.
NK: Ah, shit. That’s so cool! Thank you so much! That’s so crazy.
EU: Literally, I’m a senior in college now, and I was a senior in high school when Young Blood came out, so it’s a very cool thing.
NK: Holy shit, that’s fucking crazy, oh my god. People will be like, “I was in middle school when I started listening to your music, and I’m 45 now!” I haven’t been making music that fucking long (laughs).
EU: That segways into this question; what is one thing you’d tell the artist that was just about to put out Young Blood?
NK: Oh my god, hit the gym dude. I should've gotten a better physical regimen figured out. I’m like, bouncing between being overweight and being underweight, I don’t know what to do. But if I could actually tell him something, I’d probably tell him that it’s all gonna be okay. I was so frightened when I started making music and just doing everything I could to survive and stay alive. I think that mindset has really affected the way I live my life, I think it’s created a lot of blind spots in my personality. I think the survive or die mindset that I came into this business with has done great things for me, it’s kept me hungry. But I also think it’s caused me to not enjoy a lot of the success I’ve had, and not enjoy some of these really wild moments that I only ever could’ve dreamed of as a kid. Take it all in and try to enjoy where you’re at, is what I’d say. That’s something I’m really trying to do now. I know that my time here is limited, and I’m trying to enjoy it instead of fighting for some weird goal that I’ll never achieve.
EU: You say this album is all about change, what has changed in your life over the past few months or years that has felt good to you?
NK: Like I said a second ago, just being able to enjoy what I have. I’m trying to find fulfillment in things that actually make me happy, instead of chasing monetary or numeric goals. When I was younger, I said, “When I get a million streams, I’ll be so happy.” But then I got a million streams and I was like, “I want ten million! And then 100 million! And I want to sell out this venu and this venue and this venue,” And that shit never makes me happy, I’m always trying to find some new thing to look for. This year especially, I’ve been realizing I gotta find ways to be happy with what I have, and to let that fulfillment feel lasting and meaningful, instead of fleeting, like a lot of those other goals kinda made me feel. I’ve changed into a person that’s able to try to find fulfilment in everyday. I’ve gone back to therapy, which has been really helpful for me. I speak a lot about mental illness in my songs, and truthfully I wasn't living in a healthy way. And hearing my own music kind of kicked my ass a little bit to go back and get some help for it. So those are two things that are really positive. I’m a dog owner now, which has kind of forced me to be responsible. Yesterday, I was really hungover and I had to walk my dog, so it just gets me out of bed a little bit, staying motivated. Those are some things that have changed.
EU: Your music very much feels like a blueprint to what goes on inside of your head. Are all of your songs told from your perspective, or do you do storytelling that isn’t your own?
NK: That’s a great question. I think it’s a mix of both. Every song has pieces of my perspective in it, but there are definitely songs on this album and in things I’ve put out in the past that are stories. The song Hollow on this project is a story about a person following the steps they thought they had to in life and realizing it doesn't make them happy. But again, it plays into parts of myself that I’m feeling. I think I limit myself when I try to speak only from my perspective. I can say whatever I want, that’s the really cool thing about songwriting. I can come up with stories that speak to a certain perspective of mine or coming from a completely different person's voice. I definitely do storytelling but I always try to keep a throughline of what I feel and what I’m going through in those songs. That way, they’re honest to me at the same time.
EU: Is that ever scary to you, to release something that is so vulnerable, especially when you’re on tour and seeing so many people sing your songs and your life stories back to you?
NK: Yeah, it is hard. It is scary. There's a song or two on this album that feel really real and very personal, and it talks about people in my life that are affected by it. I get scared of doing that. I think I have a responsibility to release music that I think is going to help people get through something, regardless of how scared I am. I think the songs that connect with people the most I wrote in a time that I was really lost, and these songs that have helped people are occasionally very vulnerable. But I've seen the effect it can have on people, so I think I have an obligation to pursue releasing those songs and maybe helping someone get out of a dark place. If it can help somebody out, then that fear, that awkward vulnerability is worth it. Tenfold.
EU: You do talk about mental health in a way that isn’t glamorizing. Is this something that’s important for you to do?
NK: 100%. I try to paint mental health as honestly as I experience it. I can't speak for anyone else's experience. I definitely really try not to accesorize what I go through, and to make what I go through like a selling point, or like “Hey, it’s cool to be depressed.” Or, “I’m so fucking depressed, it’s awesome and trendy.” I’ve just been struggling my whole life with this shit and it’s multifaceted. It’s not like being sad or being depressed, or feeling like shit. Sometimes, it’s funny, like there’s a sarcasm to being depressed. It's ironic, almost like you can laugh at it. Sometimes it’s manic lows, and sometimes, it’s manic highs. And thinking you're the man and the crashing back down to earth. I try to explain the multifaceted nature of mental illness in my music, and I try to paint a clear and honest picture of it.It’s really important, because that’s what people are actually going through. And so, having people hear that from someone that they like or listen to can make their own experience feel more normalized, instead of being this weird taboo thing that's trendy or cool or weird and gross. I want people to know that it's who you are, it's a part of who I am. I want to make people feel okay with that.
EU: There is a lot of growth and greater self-acceptance between the lyrical content of Busyhead and I Was/I Am. Do you feel that way personally as well?
NK: Definitely, I think there's a lot of growth. Busyhead to me felt a little bit scared, there was a fear of the new world that I was going into, and a lot of uncertainty about that. I think there’s a lot of uncertainty in I Was/I Am, but I think there’s a real acceptance in some of the music that doesn’t make it seem like everything is okay or that I’ve figured it all out. I think it has a greater understanding of me in there and I feel like that reflects my current state. I feel like I understand myself a little bit more these days and that's a big step towards getting better, and being better, and being happy. Busyhead to me was still figuring that out, and I Was/I Am is definitely more control of my understanding of myself.
EU: There are a lot more upbeat songs compared to other things that you’ve done. Was that a purposeful decision?
NK: Oh yeah, definitely. This album I wanted to, I call it like, depression with a party hat on. As I said I wasn’t going to accessorize depression, I literally talk about it like an actual accessory on your head. Yeah, I don't want to sacrifice people’s enjoyment of a song with a complete total melancholy, I want to be able to say what I'm feeling and also be dynamic in the music I'm making. I want people to hear music they can relate to, and also that they can move to, and not necessarily feel like you have to sit there and be petrified by ballads and minor chords. I've been to a lot of shows that are so great but you leave feeling a little bummed. i want people to consider the words, but also leave and be like, “I had a fucking great time at this show!” And people were dancing and excited and chanting the words. I wanted people to listen to the music and not have it be a totally negative experience even if it does require some reflection and honesty.
EU: Is there a song you’re most excited to play on this tour?
NK: Yeah, I'm definitely most excited to play ‘Godlight’. I think that song is made to be played live. It means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to a lot of my fans. I'm excited for that to be a part of the experience then.
EU: What’re you most excited about looking ahead to the future?
NK: I’m excited to make more music, and to have fans that are super fucking dedicated and here for it. and to continue to like, expand the world of music I'm trying to make. I'm excited to be here, I'm so grateful to be able to do this for a living and to wake up everyday and pursue something creative and meaningful. I’m just hoping for more of the same, and hopefully people buy merch so I can afford rent in this crazy fucking expensive city. I want to be able to continue to eat and pay rent, but I also want to be able to continue playing music. Those are the two things I'm looking forward to.
Stream the album here: https://open.spotify.com/album/06G93sQq03PkonkVdkrsiP.